Marah

Explosive anger is just like a nuclear bomb. It devastates the core and slowly recedes any happiness in its surrounding.

Marah adalah sesuatu yang melegakan, di saat-saat awalnya. Marah membuatmu mengeluarkan seluruh kata-kata yang kau inginkan, yang ingin kau lihat dampaknya. Marah membuatmu berani.

Marah memberikanmu ilusi bahwa kau sedang memegang kendali. When, in fact, you are losing it.

Marah membuatmu tak peduli pada apapun di sekitarmu, yang penting kau masih bisa mendengar teriakanmu sendiri, yang penting kau bisa memberikan dampak kepada sekitarmu. Marahmu adalah juga marahnya. Kau bisa membuat orang lain marah karena marahmu.

Marah, berjuta atom energi terkuakkan hanya dalam beberapa detik saja. Lalu, pelan-pelan, tubuhmu mulai menanggung akibatnya.

Melemah, melemah. Energi dalam tubuhmu menguap bersamaan dengan berjuta perasaan lain di sekelilingmu.

Mereda, kekuatanmu tadi. Menjadikanmu kembali lemah, tak berdaya, bukan siapa-siapa.

Tapi aneh, aku tidak menyesal telah marah besar kepadamu...

Friend

#ikea toys

Have You Ever Thought...

That you had been comparing yourself to the wrong person all this time.

I had been so wrapped up and trusting in you, that i lost my ground. Sound familiar?
I took in everything you told me I should have been. Even when i could never be the same.

Have you ever thought that, maybe you had always been a free bird, while I am a prized bird in a golden cage. We don’t follow the same paths to reach the forest.

My point is, you and I, we are never the same. Just like Emma Pillsbury and Ken Tanaka in Glee, The Thong Song and I Could Have Danced All Night.

“I wanted to talk to you about your wedding mash-up. I’ve been working really hard on it and... I just can’t get those two songs to go together.”
“Yeah, that’s because they don’t. We both know that... They’re both good songs, though.”
“Great ones.”

Yes, great. We are the great ones, people might say. Each one to their own!

There’s been too much not in common between us and not enough understanding. I don’t want you the way you are now, but neither do I want you the way you have been changing lately. The same way you don’t want me.
Mum was right. Too many things we ignored, too many things we imagined about each other that could not work out.

“Finn’s a good guy. He loves me.”
“And you, too. Get out of my house.”
--
“And you were so scared of what he would do if he found out you just pushed it aside like we do every bad feeling in this house. If you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist.”

Oh, boy. Funny the things we talk about. Politics, revolution. Big, renowned men. Dreams. But never a single word about accepting each one of us. Oh, sure, you talked about how our differences made life interesting. But what does it mean, when the next day you’re shoving it down my throat what I should be and what I should have done, all in your opinion.

“Now do not turn this on us. You are the disappointment here!”
“Why? Because I’m not a little girl anymore? Because I made a mistake?”
“Who are you? I don’t recognize you at all.”

Oh, yes. I don’t recognise you these days. And maybe, so do you. I’m a disappointment when I don’t keep up with your expectations, right? I used to think that, but not anymore. The prized bird is almost completely blinded when it tries to find its way to the jungle, alone. Sometimes, we’d pass each other along the way (“Welcome to the jungle!” , you’d say). But other times...

“Speaking of getting married, how’s that boy you’ve been dating?”
“Yeah. Yeah. He’s not, uh, pressuring you at all, is he?”
“No. No, he’s a gentleman.”

I wonder if i could ever say the same about you...
Have you ever thought... this all sounds so familiar with your life?

(all conversations taken from episodes of Glee, Season 1).

Over Do It And Have A Fit

In a fixated, neurotic kind of way I feel the need to be constantly making these lists or collections of everything that is special to me, or even just relevant. The internet is giving out constant iconic ideas of style and developments everyday day instead of every year, like 50 years ago. I mean it’s moving so fast. I cannot explain myself properly. There is something going on here, but it’s hard to be articulate. I mean that, at the moment, we have everything on demand, as in, we have Google. It’s very easy. We are evolving pretty quickly. Trends are fast. Trends are for the young. I want to be Walden. Nothing I write is any good, I know it, I’m just not smart enough, i don’t have the energy. I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. I’m so uneven; i don’t give a shit about grammar.

❁ ❃ ❋Charlotte Free ✽ ✾ ✿

fotos off; models.com or i-donline.com

Through the night.

Bercanda, mempercepat langkah. Lidah masih kelu seperti ketika masih di dalam kotak.

Ah, kau ini, pikirku. Masih saja seperti yang dulu. Yang tidak kau sadari mungkin, aku telah berubah.

Berubah, berubah. Setiap kali bertemu dengan orang lain, hampir selalu sama yang mereka tanyakan. ”Penampilanmu berbeda?” tanya mereka.

Dengan ringan saya jawab bahwa semua yang saya kenakan hari itu merupakan pakaian darurat. Artinya yang tak perlu saya cuci atau setrika. Titik. Dan mereka terima, lantas pergi tertawa-tawa.

Berubah. Bukan hal yang mudah. Lebih mudah untuk diam menatap lantai, meneliti ke mana kakimu melangkah, meskipun kau telah hafal benar jalan yang kau tempuh.

Kembali kepada malam.

Hampir terbang, hampir berlari, menuju tanggung jawab satu lagi yang telah menanti. Apakah seluruh hidupku aku akan seperti ini?

Adzan berkumandang. Berhenti sejenak, ia memanggil. Berhenti, dan kembalilah ke masjid.

Ironis, aku malah menggeleng. Oh Tuhan, maafkan aku malam ini. Adakah engkau akan menerimanya, seperti berjuta-juta kali sebelumnya?

Terserah, ia berkata. Aku akan ke sana sendiri.. Dan ia mulai menghilang.

photo taken from http://www.artsjournal.com/tobias/MOR_7712%20Cr%20Dean%20Buscherr.jpg

Di malam yang hangat, ada sesuatu yang menyesakkan, membuat desah nafas tak selega biasanya. Angin tidak berhembus, bayang-bayang kelam terus mengikuti dari segala arah.

Oh Tuhan, aku butuh engkau malam ini. Bukan dia atau mereka. Akankah kau masih mau menerimaku? Dear me, surga is not an impossible dream... but we must earn it in every way we can...